my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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