I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
