he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
