plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
