...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Randomize
