my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
