His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize