Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You made out with two different species that night
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
