The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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