I cannot find my penis.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
