I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
