At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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