the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
