Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
