I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize