bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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