A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
