My liver just broke up with me...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
