yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
