Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
