I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
