There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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