come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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