My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
