fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
