What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
