I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
