if i can run in heels then i can drive
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
