when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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