The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
