You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
