That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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