HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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