so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
