There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
