I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
