Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
