Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
