Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
