I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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