she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
