why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
