Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
It was confusing and full of hummus
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
