So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
