If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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