maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
