Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
