I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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