All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
