Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
