Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
