just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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