a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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