Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
