You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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