he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
