i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
