so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
